I Clean in Silence

Case Analysis

-----------

I Clean In Silence

When I take a shower I like to wash my self at least four times with shampoo. I must get clean, I absolutely must get clean. Then I wash with special face wash that cost sixteen dollars but I got it half off because my mother is an Avon lady. Tom bitches if I spend too much on face wash; he's real obsessed with how much money I spend. I don't know why, it's my money. I work hard for my money and if I decide not to save because I want things right now, well, he can just fuck himself. I like things, I need things, things are what get me through the day. Without things what is a woman, she's a man.

I've just finished taking my shower. It was a beautiful shower. I got to wash my self a complete four times. I feel so very clean. I'm a clean girl. I feel secure when things are decontaminated. That the world isn't so dirty, that I'm not so dirty. It's human to want to be washed. You know, we aren't living in the jungle anymore. Things need to be clean.

Things need to be cleaned because there is bacteria everywhere. Bacteria in the sink, bacteria in the shower, bacteria on the couch, BACTERIA EVERYWHERE. I can't stand bacteria. I consider it my job to kill bacteria, to vanquish all bacteria from the world. See, bacteria causes you to get sick, and I don't have health insurance so I can't get sick. Tom says if I get sick I should just die because I can't afford it to pay back the bills. Maybe he's right, death can't be that bad. People have been doing it for millions of years. Another good thing about death is that I wouldn't have to deal with bacteria anymore. I wouldn't have to deal with family anymore, my insane father who sits on a stool in the kitchen farting and reading books about Hitler all day. Also my sisters, one's name is Cindy who just tried to kill herself because her boyfriend broke up with her. She had to get her stomach pumped but she never even went to the mental ward. She just went home, sat down on the couch with a bottle of vodka and cried. My other sister Julie who steals everything I own, like toothpaste, face wash, soap, and my vibrator. She stole my vibrator, can you believe that? My vibrator, what a sick bitch. Then she returned it three days later. Probably unwashed.

After Tom and I use the vibrator we always use anti-bacteria soap. Because we don't want to catch any diseases. I won't even let him butt-fuck me without a condom.

I feel sick here standing in front of the mirror. My stomach hurts so much, so does my back, my breasts are too big and it causes my back to hurt. My skin hurts too. I don't know why so much of me hurts. I wish Jesus would take my pain away. I really wish he would. Oh, my stomach hurts. It hurts so much.

No body believes me when I'm in pain. Everyone accuses me of faking. I don't know why they accuse me of faking, don't they know somebody in pain can go to work and be laughing and smiling and still be very sick. I'm so sick, I want to go to the doctor. But I can't because I have no health insurance. Well, it only cost fifty dollars to go to the doctor, but I can't afford pills. And I need so many pills, I'm in such great pain.

Now that I'm done with my shower I have to start arranging my hair. It takes a long time. I have to put four different kinds of product in it. One to make it firm, one to make it curly, another to make it shiny, and another to make it bouncy. I need all of them. I have to look perfect, people might see me. Even though I'm not leaving the house today, well I might go to Denny's, but a girl's gotta look good. That's another thing that separates men from women is that women gotta look good. Especially in Trumbull county. A girl has to look good, or her man will stop loving her.

Another thing is that I have to look good for Tom. It's important that I look beautiful for him constantly. Because he might leave. I'm sure he'll leave me, I just don't know when. See he's in college and a real intellectual type. He reads a lot and talks to other kids who read a lot and I never understand what they're talking about. I don't admit that I don't know what they're talking about. Instead I just call him arrogant. I know it's wrong, but I do. That's who I am, and I can't change for anything. I would like to be intellectual like him, but I can't focus when I read. And I definitely can't go to college. I could never walk on a campus. All those people I've never met surrounding me. I would get lost and never find my class. I would flunk out; I would have to talk to my father.

The real worry is that Tom will leave me for an intellectual girl. I know he will. I know he will. One day some girl in one of his classes with a real nice ass and a perfectly thin stomach who knows a lot of big words will steal him away from me. I know it'll happen. I know I'll never be good enough for him.

Next thing I have to do is fix my face. First I have to put cream all over it to cover up my blemishes. I have a huge pimple right next to my nose. There's so much white juice in it. It's disgusting. I must pop it. I must. I get real close to the mirror and pinch with my two fingers. The white cream won't come out. Maybe I should leave it alone. No it must come out. I will not have a pimple full white shit on my face. I pinch and pinch. Finally the white juice comes and so does blood. It won't stop bleeding. I immediately grab some toilet paper and rip off a little shred and place it on the pimple. I want to cry. Now it'll look horrible. How can I go outside looking this horrible? Tom will not love me today. He'll hate me and leave me.

To cover up the bloody zit I glop a ton of cream on it. It's not helping, I'm fucked. I just go on and do my eyes. Then I curl my eyelashes. I know no one can tell when a girl curls her eyelashes, but I do them anyway. I have to; I can't go outside looking like a dirty white-trash whore. I must look pretty.

I go into the bedroom and in there is a long mirror where one can see their whole body. I take off my towel and stare at my self. I'm so fat, I'm so grotesquely fat. My legs are too short and chubby. My stomach protrudes; my arms are only one foot long. And my cunt, it's too big. How can Tom love me, I'm so disgusting. I hate looking at myself. Especially because I know Tom loves thin girls. I see him look at models in magazines and on television. He sees those thin bodies and wants them. He doesn't want mine. I'm so gross. God, I hate my mother for giving me this body. It's so boyish. Tom told me, he said my body is boyish. Why does he love my body?

I have to cover this gross body up so I can disguise the shittiness of it. I put on a small yellow shirt that shows my cleavage. Then tight blue jeans and little dark blue socks. I look good, I think.

Now I have to clean the house. I've been waiting to for the last two days. See, I live with two young boys, Tom who's my boyfriend and Sidney who's are close and lovely friend. Sidney cleans sometimes. I think he cleans better then me, but I won't admit it. I won't admit that someone, especially a man cleans better then me. I have to do something good, don't I. God, I hope I do something good. I can't even get praised when I play video games. Sidney does better then me and Tom praises him because he has finesse. Well, why can't he praise me? I'm good too. I want to be good at something.
No one in my house is good at anything. We're not allowed to be. My father won't let us. He doesn't want anyone to be great and perfect as he is, so every time we get close to achieving greatness and beauty. He tells us that we suck and asks what's wrong with us. I wish I could love my father. My father is a man, and so is Tom.

Tom wants me to do beautiful things, but I don't believe him. How can I, he's a man. Men don't want women to do good things. Men want women to clean the kitchen and change diapers.

I go out to the living room and look around. There's dirty plates on the coffee table, cups with soda left in them on the floor, beer bottles on the end table, my socks, shirts, and pants scattered through out the room. All the cloths left in the living are mine, I wonder why that is.

Now it's time to clean. I think about turning on the radio but I decide not to. I don't even turn on the television. There's no point in it. I want silence. I want to think. I need to think. I can't stop thinking. I also must keep moving. I can't stop moving or at least be watching a good show. I can't stand being inert. When I'm not distracted I start thinking. Remembering too, I hate memories. I have so many. If I stop for one moment, I remember moments from when I was child. Such bad moments, so much humiliation, so much mortification. If I stop moving I'll die, the world and its ugliness will consume me. I don't want to know or understand the world. Tom tells me about the world. How there are wars, starving mothers, crying children, suicide bombers, genocide, disease, the ozone disappearing. Oh I hate it so much. I hate it when he talks about it. He does it so objectively too, like he doesn't care, like he supports it. I hate it so much. That's why I keep moving, because if I don't I'll be reminded of the world. Then I'll start crying. I'll lay on the floor in the fetal position, start pulling out my hair, and just pant and cry. I cry because I'm powerless. I have no power and it hurts. Hell, I don't even think I'm respected.

Everyday I make up a new dream but I just give it up by the end of the day because I know there's no point in it. I'll die soon, I know it. If I don't die in a car wreck or of natural causes, I guess I'll just have to kill myself. Maybe Jesus will come back and save us. He'll take all the sinners to hell and all the good people to heaven. Luckily I'm a good person.
My first object of cleaning is to gather up all the dishes and put them in the sink. I go around the room grabbing them up. Finally I have them all in the sink. Then I turn the hot water on and pour some soap in it. I put a lot of soap in it because it's very important to get the dishes clean. There's a lot of bacteria on dishes, a lot.
I'm so sad. I can't restrain myself. Tears fall from eyes. I wash the dishes with my tears. The future is coming. I know it is. I have no money, I have no health insurance. I can't save, I want things. I can't be loved. I can't be myself. I work so hard and all they give me is money.

I want the beauty of the west, the mountains, rocky coasts, purple sea urchins, long strips of highway, endless fields and clear rivers. But all I have are these dishes. Dirty dishes that must be cleaned. Everything must be cleaned.

------

Case Analysis of Humans

"It’s the morning," said Arkady.
"What’s your point?" Said Bob.
"We have to find something to do."
"No we don’t… We exist, there’s nothing to do."
"But there are so many hours in the day; we can’t just sit around all day."
"Watch me," said Bob.
A pause in reality, they sit in silence.
Death.
"I’m scared," said Arkady.
"What are you scared of?" Said Bob.
"Of the people, those who live down in the city… What are they doing down there, are they human like me."
"No, they’re not human like you or I."
"What’s wrong with them?"
"They are diseased ridden; they love to eat their own feces."
"I’m scared."
"You should be."
"Will they find us here?" Asked Arkady.
"No, we are hidden quite well."
"I can’t stop my thoughts."
"Your thoughts are stray dogs."
"Please be quiet so I can listen to the words of my thoughts."
"Shut up!"
"No!"
"Shut your face motherfucker!" Yelled Bob.
"NO!"
"If you keep on talking I’ll shoot you."
"You won’t shoot me, you old piece of shit."
"I’ll kill you buttfuck!"
Bob pulls a gun out of pants and shoots Arkady in the chest. Arkady slumps over and falls to the ground and says, "You are a dirty mule fucker."
"Die mongrel." Bob whispered.
Anna runs up.
"You lovely prince of the roses," said Anna.
"I’ve finally killed him."
"Good, he needed that."
"Death is good medication."
"What should we do now?" Said Anna.
"Let’s hold hands."

Anna goes over to Bob, and holds his hand.
Eventually Anna goes over and picks up Arkady’s body. She carries it for about fifteen feet. She says a prayer to the Holy Ghost.
The Holy Ghost shows up and says, "I’m so tired of people."
"Did you take Arkady to heaven?" Said Anna.
"No, we are going to leave him here."
"Who is we?"
"Christ and Mother Mary."
"Death is funny," said Anna.
"It can be hysterical at times." Said the Holy Ghost.
The Holy Ghost exits.
Anna and Bob sit there.
A man comes up.
He stands there.
He’s wearing a brown suit from the forties and a derby hat.
He paces back and forth.
Anna and Bob watch him.
He keeps pacing.
There is no obvious point to his pacing.
Anna tackles him.
He falls to the ground.
He looks at Anna in the face.
Anna sees that he is crying.
They embrace.
Bob walks off.
They are now alone.
Anna grabs his penis.
It’s already erect.
She pumps it up and down.
The man in the brown suit touches Anna’s wet cunt.
Soon they are undressed.
They fuck for hours without ever saying a word.
They stop after the man’s fifth ejaculation.
The man stands up and puts his brown suit back on.
Then he leaves.
Anna is left alone.
She exits also.
No one is there.
Just empty space.
A dog runs through the nothingness.
Bob and Anna return.
"How can you do this to me?" Said Anna.
"Do what, you crazy bitch?" Said Bob.
"YOU’RE FUCKING UP MY EXISTENCE!"
"I protect you from the forces of evil."
"BUT I NEED EVIL!" Anna screamed.
"You need love."
"I NEED HORRIBLE MEN IN MY LIFE, I NEED TO GET DRUNK AND FUCK UP MY EXISTENCE, I NEED DRUGS, I NEED DIRTY SEX, I NEED TO DENOUNCE GOD, I NEED TO SHOOT MISSLES AT THE WHITE HOUSE, I NEED TO FUND TERRORISTS, I NEED TO SELL CRACK TO SCHOOL KIDS, I NEED TO FLUNK OUT OF COLLEGE, I NEED TO WRECK MY CAR, I NEED TO FAIL, I NEED I NEED I NEED, CAN’T YOU SEE, THAT I’M A MONGREL, CAN’T YOU SEE I DON’T DESERVE TO BE HUMAN, I NEED TO SLEEP."
"You need to calm down sweet heart."
"SHOOT ME!!!"
"No, I refuse."
"I NEED TO DIE, KILL ME, CAN’T YOU FUCKING KILL ME, I NEED TO DIE, I WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN, I WANT TO BE WITH MY JESUS, HE’S MY SAVIOR, DID YOU KNOW THAT? HE SAVED ME FROM MY SINS, MY SINS ARE PLENTIFUL, AND GOD IS DEAD."
"Come sit next to me."
"I will sit right here, on the floor… I will cry here… I will cry until my eyes bleed, do you believe me Bob, I’m telling the truth, I want to die for America’s sins, I want to forget the world, why did my father beat me, why did my mother leave me when I was so young, I have problems Bob. There is so much truth… I’m a shattered woman."
"Stop the crying, listen to the sound of reason." Said Bob.
"FUCK REASON BOB, FUCK ANYTHING THAT MAKES SENSE, EVERYTHING IS NONSENSE, EVERYTHING IS FULL OF TEARS, EVERYTHING IS MADNESS, THERE IS NO REASON FOR US TO BE HERE, THERE IS NO TRUTH ACTUALLY, ONLY SMALL TRUTHS, BUT NO REAL TRUTHS, NO TRUE FOUNDATION OF WHY WE ARE HUMAN AND WE HAVE BAD PARENTS, I’M TIRED OF CARING ABOUT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS, I’M TIRED OF LISTENING TO STUPID PEOPLE TALK, I’M TIRED AND MAD, AND I BELIEVE IT TO BE AN INJUSTICE TO BE HUMAN, ALL THIS IS SO ABSURD, I DON’T WANT TO BE HUMAN ANYMORE, I WANT TO DIE, LISTEN TO ME BOB, JUST FUCKING KILL ME, PLEASE, YOU KILL PEOPLE ALL THE TIME, YOU CAN KILL ME, IT WILL BE EASY, JUST POINT THE GUN AT ME AND PULL THE TRIGGER, LISTEN TO ME, I PLEAD YOU, FUCKING KILL ME, DESTROY MY EXISTENCE, I GIVE YOU ABSOLUTE PERMISSION, YOU MUST, I HAVE NO HOPE, I’M TRAPPED IN A HOPELESS ROUTINE THAT WILL SLOWLY KILL ME, DO ME A FAVOR, KILL ME NOW!!!"
"I can’t, I love you."
Anna stands up and walks off.
Bob is alone.
He takes out his gun.
He polishes it with a tissue.
A young boy runs up to him.
He sits down next to him.
The boy talks about professional football.
Bob listens but doesn’t speak.
Then the boy runs away.
Bob gets up and leaves.
There is no one again.
All is silence.
Then Anna returns.
She is crying.
She pulls at her hair.
She screams and yells.
But no one hears her.
Then Bob runs up and says, "What’s wrong sweet heart?"
"I’m alone."
"You have me."
"I’m alone and free."
"But we all are."
"Not like me, I realize it, I’ve been enlightened."
"Don’t talk like that, everything will be all right."
"You don’t know shit old man! I’m alone, no one is here to help me, no one is here truly to be my friend, no one, don’t you understand, I’m alone, and I’m free… I’m free and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to make my own choices; I have to choose for myself… I don’t know what to choose, I always make the wrong choices, choices, are madness."
"You’re a strong girl, you can make your own choices, and you know the difference between right and wrong."
"There is no right and wrong though, everything is as it is… Look around Bob, LOOK, this is reality, this is all things actually are, there is no mystical element that drives the universe on a certain path, everything is as it is."
"No, there has to be God."
"God is long forgotten, he is a piece of our history, but not of our future."
"If there is no God, then that means we are alone, I can’t handle that thought that we are alone, that it’s just us on this rock, leading meaningless lives, I can’t handle that, I refuse the idea of atheism."
"There is no God Bob, you are alone, your existence has no reason, and you are doomed to freedom."
"No, it can’t be true, I won’t believe it."
"It is true, this is existence, but luckily it’s impossible to comprehend the total futility of it, it’s too abstract, it’s too wild, we’ve been trained to give our lives meaning, to work and pay bills."
"I’m going to cry, I’ve never been good at handling the truth."
"You don’t need to handle it, you don’t even need to believe in it, just let it be, just let the world go on, because the world doesn’t care for you and your existence, it goes on with or without us."
"I have to go; I have to think about this."
Bob exits.
A young man enters the scene.
He sits next to Anna.
He kisses Anna on the cheek and says, "I have loved you always."
"But I can’t hear you anymore," said Anna.
"I know, my words are silent."
"Will you hold me one more time?"
"I will hold you as long as you like."
Anna puts her palm to his face.
"I love when you touch me," he said.
"You are so soft."
"I moisturize a lot."
"I can tell."
"I thought about you one night, as I was sitting alone in a coffee shop, I thought of your face, and I began to cry."
"You did."
"Yes, I am so lonely without you."
"We are all lonely, we are doomed to this desolation," said Anna.
"I walk the streets of this world thinking of you, remembering you, dreaming of holding you again, but you are not there, you are here, crying and wishing you were dead, how can you bear your sadness?"
"I don’t bear it, the sadness is all that I am, it is what it is."
"I love you."
"Our love is over, time has changed us, and time has killed our love."
"But when we held each other, it was perfect, it was like light."
"I’m too busy now; I have too much to think about, too much to do… My life is here; my life has taken on new meaning you will never understand."
"I must go then, I have to forget you, I have to let you fade away… But I don’t know if I can ever stop loving you."
"You will, one day I will just be a blurry memory. I will be something you think about driving in your car in your fifties for a fleeting moment. You will wonder what happened to me, you will wonder a lot of things for that moment, then I’ll just fade."
"You’re probably right."
"I know, but now you must go, you must begin your journey without me."
"Goodbye."
He leaves her universe.
She sits alone.
Anna has already stopped thinking about him.
She has already moved onto new things.
Bob returns.
He asks her, "You look sad little girl, what’s wrong?"
"How can you not be sad?"

2004 1-42 Online