Sex and Trivialities...Roberto

Since birth we are taught to walk and talk and write and read. The education system is a well-oiled machine that pretty much runs itself. Good grades, equal good schools, which equals a promising future. The social aspects of life? You pick that up along the way, whether it be from classmates, movies, or the works of Judy Blume. Within the past decade, though, and particularly since we've graduated college and gotten jobs, something's been thrown in the mix that has changed the game forever, the Internet. In particular, the world of instant messaging. Both are problematic, both are cultures within themslves, and it's come without a manual. Until now.

Now this is not some article enlightening you to the fact that computers are revolutionizing the world. That's like saying "crack kills." Tell me something I don't know. This is recognizing that what was once a brilliant method of maintaining contact with those geographically removed from our lives, is now an integral factor in the demise of countless relationships.

I had no problem with the advent of the e-mail. It's a free and efficient way of mailing a letter. When live instant messaging first came along, I was intrigued by the concept of sitting at a desk and watching a live thought come from a friend miles away. My spidey sense tingled, though, and I knew danger was imminent when I first heard the three letters that might as well have stood for the end of civilization: "LOL."

Do you realize that walking the earth right now, there is an individual, THE individual who felt that one shouldn't have to go through the painstaking task of letting someone know they are "laughing out loud." Why not abbreviate it? Problem is, this thing has taken on a life of its own, and it's almost as common and meaningless as saying "Hey, what's up?". I'm not even going to get into its bastard offspring such as "rofl"(rolling on floor laughing), "ttyl"(talk to you later), and "brb"(be right back).

"LOL" is the beginning of an enigma. Is this person really "laughing out loud"? If they didn't type it, does that mean that one is not funny? It's a very important seed of doubt that's blossomed into a tree that grows in more than just Brooklyn.

I haven't even gotten into the whole male-female aspect. Wasn't dating hard enough before computers? First you have to meet the opposite sex, then the exchanging of numbers, then the first date, then the wait for that next phone call. 24 hours of silence would be cured with just the ring of a phone. There was a sense of mystique. "Maybe they're too busy to call," or "maybe something really important came up." It was simple though. They call - you're in - they don't - you move on.

Now there's this horrible evil known as a buddy list. It's like being in a room, and every time you hear that door open signaling a friend signing online, that friend has joined in a large room filled with people that have no business associating with one another. Then, the door opens. Mr./Mrs. Right has signed on. A few minutes pass by. "Should I write them? Will that be too forward? Why aren't they writing me? Do they see that I'm online? What?! They signed off?!"

If you own a computer, the aforementioned scenario has happened to you in some way shape or form. It's like getting a phone call and being hung up on. They could have a "cup and a string" dial up modem, and their computer crashed. They also could have seen you on that list and just not wanted to speak to you. You have no idea, and it eats away at you to no end. In your mind, by seeing their screen name, you saw them, and you feel rejected and ignored.

The list is endless. The problems, countless. Parents always say, "practice abstinence, but if you're going to have sex, please use a condom." Well, if you're going to use a computer, please use these Dick suggestions:

Never, at any time, place someone you are interested in on AOL. You will never have to explain "why you didn't instant message," "why your response was so slow," or "**what you are wearing" ever again. **Note: AOL game does not make you a pimp. If a girl tells you she's "sweating in her Old Navy tank top with the unicorn," this does not constitute the purchasing a mink and platform shoes with goldfish in them.
1) Do not invite people to a party via e-mail, or E-vite. Even better – don't go to a party if you are invited in that manner. Nothing says "You are a small part of my life" like getting an email invite instead of a phone call.
2) Only use abbreviations if explaining what state you're from. Otherwise, I will "BYLYATKITDC" (Beat You Like You Are That Kid In The Dell Commercial)." Of course I don't condone beating down woman, so if a lady "LOL's" me, I will simply "TTLTLRUYSO" (Type The Lyrics To Lionel Richie Until You Sign Off)."
3) Don't ever, ever, send a forward. They are never funny, and a "porn" e-mail from yet another YouAreSoHotJewishItalianBoy@hotfemaleforyou.com is not funny either.
4) Never talk for more than 10 minutes at a sitting. You will lose what is commonly referred to as "people skills." This has not been proven in any scientific fashion, but trust me, when you're dealing in the real world you don't get to sit and think about a witty response. You better be on the ball.

One person at a time, we can reclaim society. It won't be easy. This crusade will be a long, arduous one, but I won't stop until the "world of AOL" is a thing of the past. In closing, w-**.

** = Author's note: I was going to finish the article, but this girl just im'd me.

Roberto